i nearly collapsed yesterday. lack of sleep, i suppose. then again, who else is to blame? it's not like i need sleep anyway. it only helps to keep me alive.
i wish i had a penknife though. my scissors really can't cut it. i mean, it can only prick a little. but the pain is not as long-lasting as i would like it to be. and the blade itself has to be sharpened. only one out of the 12 attempts actually penetrated the skin. that sucks. maybe i just need to press harder. in any case, the sight of blood flowing brought a calm to my anxiety.
i can't help but keep thinking of yesterday. when the family was leaving the house for dinner. i took a trip to the toilet as they were going out and slam! the main door closed and they locked me inside. that was not the crux yet. i knocked on the door and no one heard. then i knocked again and my grandad said, why is the car making that noise? OKAY, so they had not noticed i was gone yet. never mind. then everyone got into the car and almost drove off before i called my mom. only then did they realise i wasn't there.
makes me wonder how insignificant i am. how can 7 people not know that their own family member isn't there?
maybe i'm just not part of the family anymore.
hey it doesn't matter. i don't care. it doesn't make any difference. oh wait. it DOES. a family is a huge obstacle. MY family is a burden. fine, i get a house. fine, i get clothes and meals. but i don't have a HOME. i'm just a lodger, renting the smallest room available. living off scraps and roadkill. playing with scissors and compass needles. avoiding plasters. drowning in pain.
and no one knows.
i guess,
this is how i disappear
Thinking of you MAPLE on Sunday, March 23, 2008
